Serendipitous Sorrows w/ Gabby Scollard

Remmy Stourac (00:01)
Hey, welcome to another round of the Serendipity soundtrack. I'm so lucky today to have Gabby Schollard, the author of Why I Stay, which is a book about suicide prevention. And we've gotten to know each other quite a bit. And so much of our encounter has been serendipitous in itself, but to hop right into it, is the spirit is pumping color into the world. Your story essentially is what it feels like to kind of have the color sucked out of the world. And so welcome to the show for one.

Gabby (00:31)
Thank you. Absolutely, thank you so much for having me. How it came to be, I always think of this question and some of it is a blur because that was a blurry part of my life, but long story short, I was in high school, struggling with a few things and I went to the doctor and they said, oh, let's put you on birth control. I had no knowledge of.

Remmy Stourac (00:31)
I would love to hear how it all came to be.

Gabby (00:59)
what that was, never been on it, definitely didn't know the side effects of it. But I would say within one month I had completely lost my personality. I didn't recognize myself, I didn't want to wake up, and prior to this I've always been known as the happy girl. Like, I was living a good life, I can't lie. I'm privileged, I had lots of friends, I went to a good school, so there was really no complaints and

As I started to fall down this hole of darkness, I was thinking, what is going on? And I really didn't open up to anyone because that's embarrassing. You have nothing to be sad about. Why would you be feeling like you don't want to wake up anymore? Like, that's crazy. So I was definitely gaslighting myself, invalidating my feelings, and there was a lot of shame around that. And that's what the stigma is around mental illness. So...

I tried not to be too hard on myself, but ultimately it kept me from getting the help that I needed. And it took the people around me beginning to notice that I wasn't okay for me to reach out and say, okay, maybe I'm not. So it was actually my guidance counselor that noticed my grades were dropping, brought me in her office and said, are you okay? And

I lost it in that moment because nobody had asked me that. And I think there's a way to ask someone if they're okay in saying, are you okay? And they just want to hear, yeah, I'm fine. But she asked me like, are you okay with the intention of taking action based on my answer? And that was a really safe space I felt like. So that was the first time I opened up about my struggles. And it was probably another nine months of...

full-blown depression, personality gone, but it was only probably two months after I'd started the birth control that me and my mom sat down and were like, okay, let's backtrack what happened here. And she came to the realization, oh my God, it might be this birth control. I would have never thought of that on my own. And to think that this thing that is given out for headaches or all of these little things.

and it took away my will to live. Like that was just mind blowing. And I went to the doctor and they said, oh, just feel it out, let it settle. And I'm telling these people, I don't wanna be alive anymore. And they're like, yeah, that's normal, that'll pass. And I'm like, oh, okay, will it? And me not knowing anything, I'm like, okay, let me keep pushing through this.

And at some point I just absolutely broke and I'm like, okay, I'm not doing this anymore. And went and got it out and within a month or two I was completely back to myself thankfully. But during that time when I wasn't telling anyone that I was struggling and I really needed to fight to make it to another day and overcome this in my own way because no way I was

telling anyone that I was sad because that's embarrassing and who wants to be friends with the crazy girl with mental health issues. So I actually bought a journal because writing has always been my biggest outlet and just something about seeing my words on the paper is so validating to me and I would just write reasons why I needed to stay alive. It was anything, like if I woke up and the sun was out I'd write that down or I tried a new ice cream flavour that I absolutely loved or I saw an old friend or

Literally anything that we take for granted in our everyday lives I would write down because that little glimmer of hope was something that I could use to think maybe there's gonna be another one of those tomorrow, so by the end of my struggles with depression and when I began recovery I had hundreds and hundreds of reasons that I stayed alive in my journal and I Thought if these helped me

in my darkest times, then why couldn't they help someone else that's struggling in the way that I was? So that's kind of where the whole idea to turn it into a book came from and I didn't really have to write. People are like, oh writing a book, that must be hard. It's like I wrote that all throughout the year. I really just had to write an intro and outro, but I wrote that in the depths of depression and those are the real reasons that I stayed alive. So turning that into something...

that others can use when they're struggling and they're not necessarily ready to get help yet, or they don't wanna take that step to reach out, or they're not really sure what's going on, but they know that they need a little bit of hope to keep going, that's exactly what the purpose of it was.

Remmy Stourac (06:02)
No kidding.

And one of the things that I think we collided on in the same spirit was gratitude in the way that you have to go and look at the world. And one of my favorite pages that I noted in the book was like when a kid's backpack is too big for them, and so when they start running and it starts like slapping against the back of their legs. And so there's times too when I'm like driving home from an exhausting day and I'll

Gabby (06:23)
Yeah

Remmy Stourac (06:30)
Yeah, see kids like waiting for the bus, but instead of just like sitting there all disappointed, they're like swinging around the pole as fast as they can, and they look like they're about to fall off. Like there's tiny little bits of goodness everywhere, but to, you can basically like shift your mental compass and you can start to see goodness. But sometimes it's like, oh, easier said than done. But when it's a lifeline, it's still a much different game, right?

but to have that as like a genuine record of what once was, what did it feel like coming out of, you know, something that wasn't, it wasn't a you problem, it was genuine hormones that were shifting in your body. And so to come out from that and to like feel like your personality's coming back, could you explain that?

Gabby (07:19)
Yeah, I struggle to really put it into words because I think it's one of those things that unless you experience it yourself, you're never really going to understand the depth of it. And the scariest thing for me was, am I going to get my personality back? Is this me forever? Is this depression, this chemical imbalance, is this sticking around and am I never going to laugh the same? Am I never going to do like...

be the bubbly happy girl that I was. And I can confidently say that life before that, I was worried about never having those things again in life after. I have more than I could ever imagine. So if anyone is feeling that way, please know that it does come back and it does get better. And I think it was, it's obviously not initial. Like I had an IUD.

So I got the IUD out in June, let's say, and by the end of July, beginning of August, was when I started really noticing, like, oh, I'm waking up happy and I'm feeling excited about the things I used to be excited about and I'm recognizing myself when I look in the mirror. And it wasn't.

necessarily something that I was looking for because I think I was so discouraged that this was my new reality. I'm just going to have to live with this gray version of life forever because I'm never getting it back and my brain is ruined and all of these things. So I wasn't even thinking, oh, is today going to be the day that I'm better? It was just, I slowly started to notice in my everyday tiny little things that like, oh, this is this again and oh, I feel happy.

I didn't have to convince myself to wake up this morning. So it was really a gradual process of just recognizing everything in myself that I'd been missing. And it eventually, by two months, I was completely myself and who I was before depression. Well, I won't say I was who I was before depression because you're never gonna be who you are before that experience, but I was back and had my personality and those main things that I was losing.

Remmy Stourac (09:38)
Yeah.

I say this and it's always has to come with like a little bit more of an explanation, but like my gratitude comes from having a great relationship with like the darkest parts of my life and being a cancer survivor and all my friends and the things that we went through and it's almost like a rebellious, um, like constant hurrah of like, no, I have to remember how bad it was because I'm not immune to things ever going wrong again, just because okay, I'm not taking birth control.

or I don't have cancer doesn't mean there's going to be forces that aren't going to come in like, yeah, have the potential to put us back in such a state. But now that you have a tool like that, you can kind of say like you would never you wouldn't have it any other way because now you have the contrast to speak to people who've been in that situation. But as for sustaining that and not getting too comfortable and now saying, oh, you didn't have to fight to get out of bed in the morning. I understand that you still have like a sustained

gratitude practice no matter what right like how is that um empowered your life and made it better as a result of bringing that practice into a good life anyways.

Gabby (10:46)
Yeah, I think that when you told me about the role that fear played in your life and kind of explained that, I really, I took some time and I reflected and I was like, what role is fear playing in my life? And the fear honestly is that I am so scared of being in that place again that it forces me to take charge of my life. And that means that

I'm gonna go on my silly little mental health walk because I know that makes me feel better to start my day like that. And I'm gonna prioritize the gym and I'm gonna feed my body healthy foods because I know that makes my brain happy. So all of these things that in practicing gratitude, I have like, you wouldn't believe the gratitude journals I have filled up because I know starting and ending my day.

looking at what's good in life is gonna help me go to sleep and wake up with a better mindset because there will always be things to focus on that are bad. Like in this life there is always gonna be people like bursting your bubble saying, how can you be positive when there's so much wrong in the world? It's like that is why I can be positive because I want to be a light in this dark world. So yeah, practices like gratitude, taking care of my body.

and anything else that I do to maintain this healthy brain that I have did initially come from fear because I am so terrified of being in that state and although I am thankful that I went through depression now looking back and as heart wrenching as it was and I don't want to go through it again obviously but I'm thankful for it because without that I wouldn't have the perspective that I do now.

and I wouldn't treat myself in the way that I do now. And speaking to fear, I think another big drive of fear in my life is I'm scared of not helping people. I'm scared of letting my pain go to waste. I'm scared of the fact that I wouldn't sleep or get out of bed most nights, and that will be for nothing if I don't impact people with my story. So fear.

I was really caught off guard when you first discussed fear. I'm like, fear doesn't play a role. And I'm like, fear plays a role in anything good in my life, because that is the drive behind anything meaningful, any depth I have, and any practices that I do to maintain what I've built.

Remmy Stourac (13:26)
You said, I appreciate this, I would never want to waste my pain. I forget how you put that. Never have my pain wasted. And that's put so wonderfully too. You kind of wrapped around a future question into that exactly. And I'm so glad that you reflected on that because that's an incredible answer. But

Gabby (13:34)
Yeah, never waste a heart. Never waste a heart.

Remmy Stourac (13:45)
as I finish my gratitude book and I realize, oh, I'm grateful about these things and it's sustained through the things that I have a healthy fear around. Oh, if I come up short as like a future father, it's like, I can't simulate that now. Obviously I'm not a dad, but I can be the man who is like being this stellar friend, being the guy who's reliable, has the uncomfortable conversations and builds that character prior to. And another healthy fear being of...

Alzheimer's, let's say, and so I want meaningful memories now and to have a driving force because I'm going to be afraid anyways, but to define the opposite of love as fear being like selfish preservation and love being selfless amplification of others. And so when you said that, it's like, oh, if I can never waste my pain, it means I can help others breathe easier as a product of the things that you've went through. And that's like such an incredible way.

to move through life. And I think the opposite of depression is servitude. And it seems so counterintuitive because it's like, well, if I don't feel like I have much, how can I possibly give? But it's the fact that you have something, even if it's like emotional bandwidth, that you could share space with another friend, that you can lift somebody up and then somehow you are lifted as well. And what an incredible experience that is. But as you've done that.

Gabby (15:05)
the

Remmy Stourac (15:09)
you started speaking at schools. I'd love to hear how that started to unfold for you.

Gabby (15:14)
Yeah, so the first school I actually spoke at was my old high school, and this was only a year out of when I graduated. And so going back, I knew there was gonna be a lot of people like, she was struggling, that girl was struggling, like I saw her smiling every day, I saw her playing sports, I saw her keeping up with her grades, like she didn't wanna be alive, and...

I knew the people in the audience, which was I would rather speak to 10,000 people I don't know than like five that I do know because it just carries that weight so much heavier, but I thought that I needed to put my ego aside and my pride aside and someone in the audience is suffering like I was because I was just there a year ago. So I got up on that stage and I'm looking at faces that I'd see in the hallways and

Remmy Stourac (16:04)
Thank you.

Gabby (16:08)
I start to see people tearing up and it's people that I would never expect to and it's people that you would never look at and be like, they're struggling, but obviously it touched them in that way. And I specifically remember this is, this gets me every time, but so I spoke at this school and then this was probably in May or it was end of school year.

The next Bell Let's Talk day that came around, which is January, end of January, a girl from that session messaged me and I didn't see her, I didn't talk to her, she wasn't in my view when I was speaking and some people came up and talked to me after but she wasn't one of them. And she sent me a huge message about Bell Let's Talk is about

people like you and I'm kind of reading like, oh this is sweet and she's like, you saved my life and you wouldn't know that if I didn't tell you and I'm like, whoa. She had been admitted to a psych ward was completely what she thought at the end of her life and in the back of her head she remembered from my talk when I was speaking about

stay for the next puppy, stay for the next sunrise, stay for those little things in life that you're going to find and be reminded of the beauty. And she thought to herself, this girl would be so disappointed if another life was lost to depression. And I'm just sitting there like, wow, because you don't even see sometimes the

Stories and the impact that your story has on other people because a lot of people would keep that to themselves She was brave enough to actually share that with me and I'm thankful every day that she did but there's so many people That will never take that step and just took your words in and experienced that So getting to hear it is always crazy. I never go into it with the expectation that I'm gonna get feedback But I go into it

knowing that there's people in that audience that were me and are struggling because mental health and mental illness is all around us and we need to stop pretending like it's not. So her story, she hears that I'm on this birth control, that's what ruined my whole brain and personality and she'd been going through that. And she's like, ding, like I would have never thought of that, goes and gets it out and she's back to herself. So if I hadn't shared my story,

who knows what would have happened to her. And it's those things that are like, my pain wasn't wasted. And that is so validating. And that's not about me. I'm not using these people to be like, oh, I feel better. But to know that something I went through allows me to connect to people in a way that I wouldn't be able to if I hadn't gone through it is something super special. And so getting to step into schools

specifically high schools and junior highs, like that is the most vulnerable state you can be in and that phase of your life is hell enough on its own. So adding mental illness on top of that, I'm like, if I can make one of them feel a little bit better, like my job is done. And that was the whole goal in publishing my book.

Remmy Stourac (19:43)
No kidding. And I say our diligence can be other people's deliverance. And so as you had that time where your investment in yourself overflowed as an investment into other people because it's like, oh, it's just me dealing with this. And then like, oh, there's an actual like continual story among hundreds of high school students, thousands and tens of thousands that.

Gabby (19:50)
Mm.

Remmy Stourac (20:10)
you know, whoever your story can get to, it's one girl here who then ripples out to more and more. But of course that resonates with girls, but have you found a way to make that conversation more accessible or curious at least for like the boys in the audience as well?

Gabby (20:29)
Yeah, definitely. I think that as a society, we automatically push the birth control on the women. Like, even there are girls that are on it from the time they're 13. I'm like, your body isn't even fully developed. And you go in saying, I have really bad period cramps and the doctor says here. And the side effects list, like once I actually went back and took it out, it's like...

the biggest sheet you could imagine and the tiniest writing. And I'm like, we're prescribing this for headaches and we're prescribing this for cramps. Like tell them to take a walk outside and try that first. Like we're just throwing it down their throats. And that's what's crazy to me. So I think that even for men or boys, obviously in relationships, you have that discussion about birth control and you discuss these things. So I want...

not only for women to be aware of the effects that I have on themselves, but I want their partners or their fathers or their brothers to be able to say, hey, I actually heard about this girl that really went through it when she went on birth control and there's some really intense effects and that's not talked about enough, so maybe let's look at some other options or let's talk with a doctor first and because if there's that voice...

in your life, whether that's coming from a woman or a man or just anyone in your family, your circle, you're going to think twice. You're going to be like, oh, maybe I shouldn't put that in my body or maybe there is alternatives. And to have that support from a partner or whoever it is, men are part of the conversation too. Like it's too, it goes both ways. And I think awareness as a whole is for everyone.

Remmy Stourac (22:20)
Yeah, and sometimes the birth control is for the guy in the situation and for them to be unaware But they play an active role in the entire situation, right? So it's like oh the girl is

carrying the burden of the risks that they are both playing together. But there's a lot of research coming out now that even like your attraction as a woman with the hormones changing, like your perspective of attraction genuinely changes in what you see in other partners. And so there's people saying, well, if you think you're going to get married, like make sure you get off of birth control for six months and stay in that relationship and see if you fundamentally don't even find that person attractive anymore.

And so that conversation goes so much deeper. Would you be able to speak to that? I know it came with such a dark cloud of experience. But did you see your not only view of your friends yourself, but the way that you saw other people changed as well?

Gabby (23:17)
Yeah, I was like... When I say my personality disappeared, I mean that in every aspect. Like, I didn't even have attraction to anyone when I was struggling and that was a whole other battle. I was like, am I asexual? And like that sounds silly to like think about, but these are thoughts that actually go through your mind because you're like, why am I not attracted to anyone? Like, why am I looking at these people that I never would have looked at or...

why am I not looking at these people that I would have looked at before? So it plays a role in your brain, your mental health, but also your body and your attractions and that is such a good point to, I haven't heard about that study, but to say go off of birth control before you get married because I've heard stories, obviously I took a deep dive into other people's lives after in birth control and

There were so many stories of like I was on birth control from when I was 15 to 25. And when I came off of it, that's when my life started. I was completely attracted to different people. I was finally going for people that were good for me. I was stuck in a toxic cycle when I was on birth control going for people that would just like ignite something in me because I was so dead inside that the toxicity was so exciting and I'm just like...

Remmy Stourac (24:30)
Hmm

Gabby (24:42)
Like, nobody talks about this.

Remmy Stourac (24:45)
That's an incredible point because for all the people that I talk about their relationships and transitioning from somebody who's clearly not good for them and to reevaluating like what love itself is when they're like, oh, I love this person, but it's like that person is very selfish, isn't taking care of you. But then it's not like understanding that the relationship is based out of a survival state. And it's like, I'm kind of getting my quick fix of joy through this person and the chaos that comes with them.

Gabby (25:13)
Mm-hmm.

Remmy Stourac (25:15)
But it's like now that I'm in a thriving state, this person's a problem. And if they're not coming with me, I have to redefine that entirely and be interested in people who are thriving and going above and beyond and have good problems and not circulating the stupid drama that comes with people who aren't taking care of themselves properly. Right? That is so fascinating to be able to speak

So on top of that, one of the things that you mentioned, you and your mom were kind

like two months in saying like, okay, backstep, like where was the position here? And so now that you kind of have your solution, of course you'd say like, okay, the birth control, but in that situation when you were still holding out, how would you suggest to other parents who may be like trying to hold space for a kid, for their daughter or son, whatever the case may be, that they just have some uncontrollable dark cloud that they need to walk through themselves, but to still be supported?

in a tangible way that like gives them their power not to be coddled.

Gabby (26:17)
Yeah, so I get this question a lot and it's funny because my mom is the best person ever. I could not ask for a better mother. She is supportive, she is loving, she is everything I could ever ask for. But she still didn't handle my depression the way that I would have wanted. And that's not her fault. She'd never experienced a child going through that. And I always say it's your parents' first time living too, so have some grace. But...

Remmy Stourac (26:35)
Grrrr

Gabby (26:46)
I found myself getting mad at her and that we don't fight, we don't have that relationship. So me taking it out on her is like unheard of and it was just because I had so much pain and nowhere to put it and that was its way of escaping. But in her way of dealing with it, it was if I'm laying in bed all day, come on, get up, let's go, like let's do this. And I'm like, she doesn't understand.

that I can't. Like it's not like a, oh, you're right. You know what? Let me go get a banana and sit outside like you always say. But it was more of I just wanted someone to be like, I know you are in the trenches right now, but when you're ready to sit with someone, I'm here. And that's not to say when you're ready to talk to someone because talking is the last thing I want to do. I sit with those thoughts all day.

I don't want to try to put them into words and then be invalidated because that just makes everything spiral and it a hundred times worse. So I found when she would ask, hey, do you want to watch a movie tonight? We can get some snacks. I'm like, okay, I think I can do that. So just being in her presence and knowing that if I do need help, she's there, like that was the game changer. So for parents everywhere, do not push your ideas on.

your child that's struggling because as much as you think you're being helpful, and it is a hard position to watch your child struggle. That is its own battle on its own, and I completely feel for every parent going through that. But just pushing on them is not going to do anything. They will come to it when they are ready, and all you have to do is say, I am here when you're ready to sit with me.

And I also, that's another reason that I published this book. It's not necessarily just for the 18 year old girls that are struggling, right? It's for anyone and parents can buy it and say, and put it on their kid's desk. Like it's that in between thing when you're not quite ready to reach out for help, but you need something to keep pushing to the next day. So these are the things that they can give to their child. So the child can.

Remmy Stourac (28:41)
Hmm.

I'm going to go ahead and start the presentation. So I'm going to start with the presentation.

Gabby (29:09)
ease into it without feeling like they're being absolutely shoved under the wing of their parent and just being told what to do because that's never going to help.

Remmy Stourac (29:21)
Absolutely. And with that, as you were with her taking an inventory step back, where did it start? Of course, you're kind of looking outwards as if there must be some factor that came in and brought this upon you. And so that strange shift of, oh, it must be something else's problem, but it's my problem. And so there must have been a journey of ownership.

over your situation and to control that self-regulation when you start to project on her a little bit and be like, even though I don't understand why it's still here, I have to stop myself from also now hurting my mom who's trying to take care of me, right? Could you speak to that?

Gabby (29:59)
Yes, hurt people hurt people. And that is something that became very apparent to me in those struggles. But it's always still our struggles and we have to take accountability for that. We can reach out for help. We can have that community and those friends to help us in the positive things, but taking it out on them is never fair to them and that's not gonna get you anywhere. So it was definitely a battle of.

feeling bad for myself and having to take accountability and being like, life is happening for me and not to me. And like, I felt like the world had their guns pointed at me and woe is me and nothing could be worse than this. And why doesn't everyone feel bad for me? Why isn't people careful around me? And you get into this state of thinking that the world should adjust to you and you're allowed to react in the ways that you are because you're sick and you're hurt.

and you get in this victim mindset and there is some comfort in that because you don't have to take accountability and you're sitting there like on your high horse thinking I am awesome and oh I'm sick as if and it is a sickness like mental illness, physical illness, treat them as you would but I was sick but I think I leaned into that too much to think I'm sick I need everyone to tend to me.

So there was definitely a point of like, Gabby, wake up. This isn't helping anyone. This is letting you get comfortable in your sadness. And this is enabling you to not take any steps forward because you like the babying that you're getting and you like the support you're getting. So it was a big wake up call to snap out of that and be like, humble yourself. You're going through something, but you don't get to take that out on the world.

Remmy Stourac (31:51)
Wow, the way that you also explained disease, I've came across this like, dis-ease, meaning like lack of harmony. It's not just like a bodily situation, it's your relationship with other people, that's a dis-ease as well. And so if you have a dis-ease with your relationship with the world, your hormones, it just translates into everything. But yeah, if like the, you create a new...

normalcy, it's kind of the new harmony of like, Oh, my victimhood is creating a constant stream of I will be coddled and I'm okay with that. It's enough. It's getting me through right. But as this has been explained so far, it's almost explained as like a consistent dark cloud of lack of emotion for like the nine plus months. Was there any like, breaks in the midst of as you were like, Oh, like I see

these things worth staying here for and you're romanticizing your own life? Did you have like cracks through the cloud where you got to be like, Oh, like I'm Gabby again, and I'm going to go be of service for a moment and kind of just, uh, yeah, feel that again. Or was it genuinely like A to Z for about a whole year of just, like none of that.

Gabby (33:03)
That's a good question. Honestly, mental illness, trauma, any sorts of that stuff, it does take a toll on your memory. Like, people will ask me questions and I'm like, I don't know. And that's one of those questions I'm like, I don't really remember. But I do remember there would be moments where I would see a sunrise or I would go for a walk and be like, maybe life is worth living.

but it was never lasted long. I would try to do things to spark any type of happiness. I would order clothes online, so I would have something to look forward to. I would make plans, like three weeks in advance, plan to go for a coffee with someone, and that would keep me holding on. But really, I just remember, especially, my high school graduation was during this period, and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be happy that day.

and I'm in my cap and gown, I do my little walk, and I get back in the car and I bawl my eyes out because I'm like, I'm experiencing these things I've thought about my whole life and I still don't want to wake up and I still don't really care for that. And so those are the moments that really sat with me. I'm sure there were high moments as life is up and down every day, human emotions, that ought to happen, but yeah, it was definitely a constant cloud with like

Remmy Stourac (34:26)
Thank you.

Gabby (34:31)
maybe just a little bit of sunshine and through once in a while. But obviously there was if I kept holding on. If it was a constant cloud, I honestly don't think I would be here.

Remmy Stourac (34:41)
Yeah, I would love to speak to that too on the planning front because I think perfectly happy people need to plan things to look forward to as well because I was convincing myself as Mr. Gratitude that whatever life's bringing me, I will profit off of this pain, right? But that's kind of a defensive way about taking on the world, whereas like, oh, I see goodness coming and I'm like inching towards it, whether it's a plan or a call with a friend or I'm going to go.

hike up a new hill I haven't been. It's nothing crazy, but just to know that, oh, I'm gonna allow myself to take a step back from the monotony and the work to go do something for the sake of itself, right? But yeah, absolutely to, in small form, to have like something within the week to look forward to, even if it's a dinner, to know like, oh, I'm gonna have my favorite food, like shrimp or something a couple of days from now. Like you get dopamine from fantasizing.

about certain things. And that was so fascinating in like the world of addictions as well. It's like, okay, I need something more profound. And just thinking about the thing that you're going to cope with your life is a form of like circulating that dopamine and building relationship with something. And so to just have something profound that you can invest in and hope towards changes your relationship with your future by sustaining positive endorphins in your body by just fantasizing about the right things.

But on that note, what's next for Gabby?

Gabby (36:12)
That's a good question. I ask myself that every single day. I am writing a second book. I never really planned on it. I thought that was my one book and I would kind of move on, but seeing the effect that it had on people, it's kind of like, if I have this gift, how could I not continue to share that? So I definitely have a passion for figuring out this life and

doing that in a way that helps people live their everyday life to the fullest. So I don't want to share too much, but I am in the way that we met, actually. I am interviewing cancer survivors, suicide survivors, those who have lost loved ones to those things, generally wise souls that I meet along the way, wise elders that I've come across. Because these people have all gone through something that has...

altered the way they view this life. And I think that is the most precious thing and the most precious wisdom that you can hold because someone who hasn't gone through that can listen to that wisdom and take in that advice without actually going through that and what a blessing that is because we don't wish that on everyone that walks the earth. And although we never regret the things that we go through, we definitely wanna get those messages out to people before that.

tragedy strikes or before that thing flips their life upside down. So my goal in that is to collect this wisdom from all these people and hopefully spread it to the younger generation spread it to the people that haven't gone through those things yet and see what they can take from what those people have already gone through and I think that is beautiful and it'll be a place that people can go when they're like

what matters in this life? Like honestly, everyone asks themselves that question at one point or another. They're like, wait, I'm on a floating rock. Like, what am I doing here? So to have a collection of advice and wisdom from people that seem to have it more figured out than we do in what truly matters, I think could be really beneficial to anyone that reads it.

Remmy Stourac (38:28)
Well, I'm a little bit biased because that's the book version of this podcast. That's absolutely it. It's like celebrating the blooper reel and the sorrows of life and being like, oh, if I can take this on with class and transmute this pain in such a way that somebody else can breathe easier, then I can justify this pain and make it a blessing on somebody else's behalf.

Gabby (38:34)
Look at that.

Remmy Stourac (38:53)
which is the coolest thing. You're gonna meet the most amazing people, just like exactly how I met you basically, and how this can pay forward. Somebody's gonna get to hear your story. People from both of our networks are gonna maybe hear about birth control and stuff for the first time. Relationships may genuinely change as the little snippets that can come from this. But as I allow my guests to ask the next guest a question, you have to...

Gabby (39:14)
Mm-hmm.

Remmy Stourac (39:22)
have you put on the spot. I know you are in this new beginning. You moved across the country and so you're basically putting new roots in the ground. But the question is what is holding you back from making the next major step in this progress or in this project that you are creating next, if any.

Gabby (39:40)
boring. I think that...

damn, who asked me that because they nailed that? I think the only limiting factor is myself and the fact that I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself in perfectionism, as I think a lot of people do if you care about anything, you're gonna do that, and I think that I

talk myself into thinking that I don't deserve to help people and who am I and why do I think I have the right to do all this and when you say it out loud it does sound silly like that is mean and that is not true and I can speak those things and know that but in your head you're working on your book, you're typing at a little coffee shop and you just get a moment of does anyone care?

is anyone going to listen to a 21 year old girl? And I definitely do have those doubts and that can sometimes sink in my head a little bit and I will push the project away, not purposely, but I think even in a relationship with a human being, if you're insecure, you're going to push them away so they don't see those parts of you. And so we tend to just...

kind of take that step back when we are doubting ourselves and when we are insecure and when we are doubting our ability to perform because God forbid the world see us mess up or make a mistake because that's just the worst thing that could ever happen in our brains. So definitely I'm trying to let go of that perfectionism and being seen trying because being seen trying, I think if you can get over that.

and you can tackle that and you aren't afraid to be like, here I am world, watch me mess up, I'm gonna try all these things, then you have everything figured out and you are gonna take the world by storm.

Remmy Stourac (41:42)
Again, I'm biased that that's one of the favorite things you could have said because I'm also six years deep in that argument. There's been fruition of my own book where people say, hey, you got me out of an abusive relationship or you changed my relationship with my career and I'm a better dad because of the perspective that came with my upbringing that some people said, who's going to relate to a cancer surviving horseback guide? Stuff like that. I go, yeah.

I guess so, who can, right? Not many. But it has nothing to do with the content, but the... so much as my relationship with the struggle and the power as a vibe architect of our own life to be like, I will make magic out of this. Fucking watch me. You know? And you can do the same and to like give myself permission and to realize that if I can also not to like intentionally make myself look small.

but to take the inventory of my insecurities. But despite all of this reason that I have to not act upon it is exactly why this has meaning whatsoever. If I was perfect, then no one could relate to me because everybody's wickedly flawed. We are all so abundantly wounded that the fact that we act otherwise is just bananas. And so yeah, to be seen trying is like a spiritual experience in itself and it's just like building your relationship with.

Gabby (42:53)
Mm-hmm.

Remmy Stourac (43:06)
the whole way that the world can bounce back in such a cool way. So I appreciate you saying that. So now you have power to rock my next guest with whatever question you want.

Gabby (43:16)
Oh, let me think about this one. God, there's so many ways you can go with this. And I love that you don't let people prepare for this, because if you do, then I'd honestly probably search up good questions to ask people. But I would probably ask, what would you do if there was no fear of failing? What are you not doing?

because you're so scared of being seen trying.

Remmy Stourac (43:47)
All right, game on. I love it, because all my guests are gonna be like, they will take a soulful step back and give a good answer to that. So game on. Yeah, okay. Well, thank you so much, Gabby. Where can we find you?

Gabby (43:56)
I look forward to it.

Instagram, I post content about my book and my mission. I'm going through a bit of a rebranding, but Instagram is at YIStayBook, or my main account is GabbySchollard. And I also have a website, www.yisstay.ca. You can connect with me anywhere, and I'm happy to hear stories. And if you are a cancer survivor, suicide survivor, someone that has lost someone, know a wise elder.

feel free to connect with me. I'm still writing the book, reach out. I would love to hear your story. I would love to connect with you and have your wisdom be a part of my project.

Remmy Stourac (44:41)
Unreal, okay, well, I appreciate your friendship, who you are as a person, how you show up in the world and that the tiny interactions that we've had, you've used as an opportunity to pump color into the world. So like, I am endlessly grateful for who you are as a person, Gabby. Yeah, until next time, we can't wait to see what happens.

Gabby (44:57)
Thank you so much. Awesome. Right back at ya.